Monday, June 27, 2011

Distance Is Short When Your Hand Carries What Your Eyes Found

Hey everyone! Happy Monday, or not, because Mondays suck. But happy day anyways. I've been a busy little bee since I've been on here last, working my ass off, getting black out drunk, and living the good life. Oh, I also saw Dispatch this weekend, and it was one of the best shows I've seen. Seriously, it was fucking epic, and if anyone has the chance to catch their few headlining shows the rest of the Summer, do it. You won't regret it.
 Pardon the bluriness, but this shit was epic. Check them out and fall in love.

So, I have a bunch on my mind today, and what better a place to express that than to total strangers on the Internet. On a sidenote, right now, I'm listening to Chad Stokes' (of Dispatch and State Radio) new album, and it's fantastic. So if you want a good listen, and want to hear what's going through my head as I write this, check it here. So, recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking about life and relationships and stuff like that, which is always a fun subject to talk about and think about. I had a completely fascinating conversation with someone who thought that monogamy was totally unnatural and the thought of being with only one person from your early twenties to when you die is ridiculous. 

Now, I don't know how much I agree or disagree with this, but it is certainly thought-provoking. Who am I to know that the person who I find at 22 is the right person and the person who I should spend the rest of my life with? How do I know that there isn't someone out there who fits me perfectly and we just haven't met. Or maybe it's someone that I have met, and just haven't had the chance with. Interesting shit. I mean, I suppose in a perfect world, polygamy would be perfectly acceptable, but I mean, really, we all know that's not the case.
I mean, I guess it works out for some people...
 
But here I am, trying to figure out just what I want, and it's not the easiest thing in the world. There are some pretty fantastic people out there, and I'm trying to make myself happy without fucking over the wrong person. Tough task, but I'm up for it. I love a good adventure. And who knows what life has in store for me, but I'm not one to turn away from a challenge. To quote my second favorite movie about cheerleading, "Bring It On".
 My first obviously being Sugar and Spice.
 
So who knows what I'm doing. I'm trying to figure out my life, and trying to do me and be happy, and who knows what will happen or what I'll encounter along the way. But I'm ready, and willing, so let's fucking do this, world.

Moving on, a little while ago, I wrote/ranted about the fabulous world of retail, and my complaints about it. So, after working 10 days straight, I kept a little mental list of things that people do/say that bother the shit out of me. So, without further adieu, I give you all....

Wurt the Furk: Retail - Part Deux 
 
1) Don't call me "honey". Or "sweetie", or "hun", or any of that bullshit. We're not in an intimate relationship, you're not my mother. There's no need to bring pet names into this situation. I'm just selling you clothes. Actually, this rule goes for most people in my life. Unless we've seen each other naked, don't call me a pet name.
2) When I tell you that I don't know something, I'm not holding out information. I honestly have no fucking clue. Now, backstory on this one. My shithole mall is maybe closing, maybe not, however, every other store except mine and two others have stayed open. Do I know when we're closing? No. Fuck you, I honestly have no idea. And when I say I don't know, it's not a conspiracy, I'm just a 22 year old part time manager. I actually have no idea. Sorry
 
3) If I say we don't have a size, don't get personally offended with me. I'm the footwear boss. Or footwear Bass, whatever you want. So, if there's a shoe in our lovely mens footwear department, chances are, it's passed through my hands first. So you know what, I actually know my shit. If I tell you that we don't have a fucking shoe, we don't have it. I'm not lying to you because I'm lazy, I just know how to do my job. Don't get all butthurt at me for not being able to manifest your shoe out of my ass.
4) Don't get offended when I ask if you need help. Part of my job is making sure your dumb ass is finding everything you need at our super discounted prices, so don't act like I'm invading your personal shopping space when I approach you and ask if you're finding everything okay. Look, I don't really want to talk to you either, but let's just pretend and then both go our separate ways. Which brings us to...

4A) Dear Company that Employees Me, people don't want to be fucking bothered when they're shopping. I know I don't. If I am following some guy around asking if he's found that perfect mandal for his hobbit feet and bothering the shit out of him, he's probably going to get annoyed. How about we let out people shop, and if they need help, I'm the one with the Bass nametag that says "Chris!".
Bother bother bother bother bother bother
 
 5) Don't over-personalize our encounter. I'm just ringing you up, or helping you find something. I don't need the backstory. Unless you're an adorable lady just coming from a massive topless beach party in which the only man couldn't make it and you'd love me to come, I really don't need to know. I have had my fairshare of overshares, for example, when asking someone why they're returning an item, the always incorrect answer is "the person I bought it for just died." Like, that's probably the most depressing and worst thing you could say. I sympathize with you, and I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm just trying to do my job. Next time, let's just say "It didn't fit", and I'll give you money and you can go mourn. Seriously people. Have some fucking tact.
 
That's really all I can think of right now, give me another week of working and I'm sure I'll be able to come up with more, or maybe I'll keep you all more informed about the other aspects of my life. Fourth of July weekend is coming up, and that is going to be spectacular, so I'm sure I'll have some stories from that venture. Hopefully I'll hit y'all with a little bit o' blog soon. Until then, much love to you all, and keep on keepin' on, and I'll do the same.




Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Summer of '69...haha 69

Whaddup internet. Happy Summer! Although it's pouring rain now now and like 65 degrees, which isn't very Summer at all. I know I really haven't been around much, I'm sorry I'm such a deadbeat dad of a blogger. I swear I still love you, I've just been really busy. Maybe after this we can go out in the yard and toss the ol' pigskin around? But seriously, work has consumed my life since I've gotten out of school, which doesn't really leave me much time to bitch to you guys or tell you about my super exciting life. So, I'm sorry.

Enough apologizing. So, like I said (like you didn't know), it's Summer. Which is awesome. Right around this time last year, actually, last week, last year, I was on tour with State Radio and Calling All Crows, meeting some of the coolest people in the world and doing some of the coolest things. I'm wicked lucky to have been a part of that, and I would do it again in a heartbeat, as I've said a million times. I got so nostalgic of that trip this week, especially since I'm making a trip to Boston this Friday to go see Dispatch, and hopefully rekindle some State Radio-romances with some lovely people. (Not the raunchy kind of romances though, unless it's with Dave.)
I mean, look at him. He looks like fucking Eddie Vedder, come on.

But no homo. Okay, some homo. Anyways, I miss every single twat that was on that tour with me, and I hope you all read this, and say, fuckin' a, I miss that saucy motherfucker as well. So to all you ABT2'ers out there, much love, much sexing, and let's all hang out soon please. 
If I didn't lose the other part of my audience with that alienation, then yippee for me. Other than my nostalgia, I really haven't been up to much. I'm hitting the world as hard as I'm hitting the bars. I'm out, being me, and fucking loving every second of it. I'm having a grand old time, and if anyone out there wants to come have a good time with me, join the fucking party. Bring the Jack Dagnals.

So, I have to bitch about work, or it wouldn't be a Chris-blog of late. For those of you in my direct circle of friends, you know that I work at the shithole Outlet Mall on the Cape. There's a shitload of speculation recently over if my store is closing in this dying hellhole, which as far as I know, it's not. I don't give a fuck that almost every other store is closing, we're not going anywhere. I don't care if I'm the one chaining myself to this place. I fucking hate it, but I'm not losing my job over this bullshit.

Alright, maybe I won't go that far.

And that's enough about work, because no one really gives a shit. Not even me. I really don't have anything else to say, hopefully after my exciting weekend off I'll have more to talk to you guys about. Until then, you all take care of yourselves, and I'll do the same. Peace out, ladies, and dudes too, I guess.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Retail, Wurt the Furk. Like a Bass.

Oh hey guys. Happy June, I guess. I haven't been on here that much lately, and my sincerest apologies to that. I've been really busy with work and life, and all that other great stuff, but here I am, finding time for you. Go me. I have Pandora on right now, and I'm loving what it's throwing at me. I'll link the songs I love. Right now we have "Mansin Humanity" by State Radio. Love it.

Anyways, what's new out there in the internets? I found this funny picture the other day, and feel obligated to share it with you guys:

lolololol Why is you so punny interweb?
 
Alright, but Siriusly...haha. Life has been interesting lately, I've had my ups and downs this past month, but all in all, I came out of it with a smile on my bearded-once-more face, and that's all that matters really. I just discovered this song on Pandora. Love it. But back to what I was saying, I have no idea where I'm headed right now, and I don't really have much direction. But I'm enjoying myself, and getting drunk, and having fun, and loving life. I'm fine with where things are right now, and when I figure them out, I'll let you know, but in the meantime, why not have fun just being me and all that jazz.

Pandora just threw some ex-ladyfriend at me with a little bit of Three Legged Fox. Whaddup ex? Anyways, so more ranting about fucking retail and my stupid job. I've been slowly building a list of things that people do that piss me off at my job, and what better place to write this down than here, for you guys. (Holy shit, I love everything P is throwing at me right now. Rock out with your Zox out with me) So, without further distractions, until the song changes and I love that one too, here's my list of shit that pisses me off at retail.

Wurt the Furk: Retail

1) Get control of your annoying children. Seriously? This isn't a fucking daycare. I don't get paid enough to even care, let alone care about the well being of your child. So, put that thing on a leash, because it is fucking shit up, and I may be a grown man, but I'm not above punting your child out the door.

 Get the fuck out before I drop kick your stupid toddler ass.

2) Fuck you, you're not right. Whoever came up with the line "The Customer Is Always Right" has never worked retail. Funny thing is, I get paid to know my shit. I've been here for 6 years. Chances are, 6 years minus 20 minutes longer than you've been here. Why do you question everything I say? Would you go up to a professional sports player and tell him he's doing his job wrong based on something you read about his position? No. That would be retarded. So don't do it me.

3) Get off your goddman cell phone. Are you a surgeon with an urgent case? Are you a cop being pulled into duty? Is this a fucking emergency? If you answered yes to these, get the fuck out of the store and do your job, stop buying shoes. But chances are, you said no. So get the fuck off the phone. I don't want to hear your conversation. And go help you if you...

4) Talk on your phone at the register. Alright, so we let your obnoxiousness slide whilst you were browsing our selection, now comes the time where you actually have to interact with me, because I am selling you shit. But wait, your conversation with whoever isn't over yet? So you're just gonna pretend I'm not there, give me money and leave? Fuck you, no. You talk to me when I ring you up.

5) Don't return a bunch of shit you just bought. So, everything went well, we sold you some stuff, things were ducky, and then you turn around and change your mind. Seriously? Are you a fucking goldfish? Like, I don't have the best memory, but I can remember shit I want and don't want enough to not buy stuff then immediately return it. Ugh. (P just gave me some fucking awesome JBT)

6) Closing at 6 means that we fucking close at 6. Don't come into my store at 5:57 and expect me to drop everything to let you browse around and fuck up shit that I just spent hours cleaning. Get out. Go home. I want to go home. Like I would honestly love to know what makes someone want to shop for those last 3 minutes a store is open. Is their a thrill in pissing off people and then getting told to leave?
 Closed gate means closed store, bitch.

7) Don't touch fucking everything. Seriously? You feel the need to touch everything in the store? I can tell you that a XL in that ugly ass shirt looks the same as an XL in that color. No need to pick it up and hold it up to your misshapen body. How long have you been wearing clothing that you need to personally inspect every size that goes on your grossness.

8) Don't make me size your gross old man feet. You're 150 years old. I know shoes are a fairly new concept, and the sizes are a tricky thing, what starting at 7 and all, but seriously? Who goes shoe shopping and doesn't know their shoe size. I'll tell you who, a fucking child. Other than that, most people are adults, and can figure that shit out. Like...if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit. If it's too tight, go bigger, if it's too big, go smaller. Fuck off. (Listen to some Hendrix with me)

I'm sure there's more that I have in me, but I'll leave you with that for now. Don't want to yell at you guys for too long. But like I said, I'll try to write in here more, keyword being try. You guys all stay classy, who knows, maybe something exciting will happen soon and I'll have something cool to write about. Until then you'll just have to read about my shitty job I guess. Peace out my sexy beasts.